I need a plan.
Sunday night, like 3am-ish.
When you brought it up tonight I was totally fine with the idea of you dating others – it made sense. Now, waking up in the middle of the night and not getting immediately back to sleep, I have discovered that I am having mixed feelings about your wanting to meet other guys.
On the one hand, you have not been dating long, and we only just met, and you have a lot of free time, and we only just just met, so it makes total sense for you to do so. And certainly I would not want to be with someone who wondered if a better match was still out there. And we just met (I’m a broken record), geez, you barely know me. And everyone should be with whomever they are meant to be with – well, I don’t think we are necessarily meant to be with one specific per se – but meant to be with someone who is a great match for us – maybe amongst 7 billion people there are many great matches. Anyway, if an “us” is meant to be, is right and good, then it won’t matter if you meet others, and if it is not meant to be, then hopefully in the dating others, you meet the one you are the right match with, and that shows us even better that our match was not meant to be, because another was more meaningful. I know I want you to find your best love, even if it is not me, and vice-versa. I want that for everyone; and especially for you. So your dating others could be a good thing all around.
On the other hand, it might indicate that you have reservations about me already, and if you do, then that indicates maybe we are not a match from your end, because reservations this early would be a legitimate red flag, right? and also, it makes me feel like I am the back-up plan. I don’t want to be a back-up plan. I have too much to offer, and am too great a catch, to be anything other than someone’s dream catch. I need a plan to become your plan A.
Maybe I am not looking at it correctly. Your approach to dating is very different than I am used to. I am used to potentially scheduling multiple first meetings, but if I am gelling with someone already on the second date, and scheduling a 3rd or 4th date with them, then I am no longer meeting others for first meetings. I have picked from amongst the first/maybe even second meetings because I have gelled with someone and then I focus on getting to know them only. And it is not really about whether things have gotten physical or not. Yes, ultimately, in my dating, exclusivity has often been “officially” associated with getting physical, although generally the exclusivity has come before the physical. Then I focus on that one person, getting to know them, until such time as I learn they are ultimately not a match, or hopefully, and hopefully sooner than later, I finally meet the one where I don’t ever discover they are not a match, and I spend the rest of my life with them, happily ever after, not always easy, but always meaningful.
For you it seems different, I am guessing, and not sure, but my impression is your approach is to date the field much longer, holding off on the physical from the standpoint of actual intercourse, but being ok with lesser physical, and then choosing after more dates with all, and the exclusivity does not come until you are much more sure. Which is probably a much more sensible approach. And the end goal is the same, so there’s that – a really good thing indeed – the end goal is the same. I can see some good things about that approach, my hesitation with it is that it is very different from what I am used to – unknown to me if it is a better or worse approach – not judging it – suspecting maybe better if you can pull it off right – just pointing out I have not really encountered that approach before in my dating, so I am not used to it. Maybe it is a better approach, but it seems to have one downfall in that it can make people feel like the fallback plan. I am being too wordy, sorry.
For me, such an approach would not work if I were to try to adopt it — because once I feel like I am into someone, I cannot date others. It would not be fair to the others because the one I am into is the one who is going to be the one I am thinking about all day long – and therefore the others won’t really get a fair consideration.
Anyway, this is my proposal: Why don’t we hold off on scheduling our 3rd date? You should go out and see what is out there. And then after that, IF you are still interested, and once you are more ready to focus on getting to know me specifically, then reach out to me and we can work on the path of getting to know each other without the distraction of generalized dating. Yeah, like I am really going to propose that. I want to see you yesterday, no way am I going to delay another chance to spend time in your presence, by even a moment. Sigh.
I am not really sure how to navigate such an approach though. I need a plan to outshine the competition. Yet if I overdo it, then I’ll blow it that way. And I am very good at overdoing things. Like this missive might be Exhibit A. And really, things should be allowed to unfold organically however they will unfold. I should not push. Sigh.
I know I am very much interested in getting to know you better, and am extremely hopeful that we work out and fall madly in love and build a big love for the ages.
Anyway, I am having mixed feelings, so rather than be confused and wondering and maybe feeling like plan B, I am wondering if I should let you know that this has come up for me, and get your thoughts, and wondering if I am just being silly, and for sure probably way overthinking things. Definitely overthinking things.
Tuesday night, 11pm
So I didn’t share the above with you. I put it away and slept on it, and let it sit for awhile. Which is more mature of me than sometimes in the past.
And I am glad I did. Cuz it doesn’t matter. I suspect your reasons to meet others are more about putting yourself out there, or taking it slow, and silly silly Dave – we just met! — or something other than necessarily reservations about me. Or who knows, I really have no clue. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. I am so infatuated with you, and no idea if it will work out, but the tantalizing potential that I see – so much potential for a wonderful “us” — no way no how am I going to let a blow to my pride foolishly push me to walking away. The prize is too sweet – I will live with the possibility of I am Plan B. Even if I am, it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. Maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe I’ll do something cluelessly just right, or say just the right thing, that will somehow magically flip some switch in the secret mystical deeper recesses of your feminine you and then I’ll become Plan A. Maybe Cupid will take pity on me and intervene on my behalf. Ya never know – and again – the prize is too sweet to not hang in there as long as there is at least some hope. And you seem somewhat into me, so maybe there is even quite a bit of reason to be hopeful.
I say the prize is too sweet. How can I say that when I have only just met you, you might ask? Oh my, that’s complicated. I feel like I could write a book about that. And yes, such superlatives being issued so soon by a fellow who’s therapist feels his MO is going too fast – I can get that might seem dubious.
Sigh. I just feel it. And it doesn’t feel impetuous or too soon or imprudent at all to me in my gut. I cannot hang my hat on a reunion kiss, but my gut thinks you’re the bee’s knees regardless. And my gut has never failed me in 51 years. And I do have six years experience, nay, 51 years experience. And never before have I felt it so hard. Can’t deny it is too soon, too fast, ridiculously too soon, yet I still feel it.
I recognize there is danger in that. Too much water on a tiny seedling can drown it; it takes time to grow from seedling to sapling to tree. Time and togetherness and shared experience and it just takes time to get to know someone for who they really are — complex and simple and layered and nuanced and glorious in so many ways — and to really _see_ _them_ over the projections we make of them initially.
I know though — with every ounce of my being — that I want to get to know the real you that you are. And I know I love everything about you Sara that I have observed so far. Big time.
Sigh. I guess for now, I culture patience, and I hang in there, and I hope, and I send little prayers to Cupid, begging for his help. And I woo you. And keep wooing you until I conquest you, or get sent away. What will be, will be. I will focus on relishing whatever moments I get, be they few or many. And if I ever do conquest you? So to speak? Then I start over, and I woo you all over again, always lovingly, and always with great respect, to another conquest. On and on and over and over for a thousand years, or a million, perhaps an eternity.
Now I have my plan.